Notes for First Time Parents

If you have more than one child at home you already know what this post is about. Send it to those friends and family members that don't have any kids yet, or only have one. One, it is a really important number when you think about parenting. It is the age of your child at their very special my parents actually kept me alive for one year celebration, the maximum number of friends you want them to have over at any given time, and it is how many kids you and your partner should bring into your life EVER. 

Now, hold on a minute! This is HUMOR, however dry, it is meant to be a fun way of looking at parenting. So don't go getting all huffy and puffy and threatening to blow my house down. 

I love kids! I have THREE of them.  My oldest is just under 30, my middle is just over 20, and my little is just over 5. Okay? My youngest would love a baby brother or sister, but it just isn't meant to happen. Which is sad in some ways. But, maybe we will look into other options in the future. Because there are far too many out there that need a permanent home and a family that will give them the love, time, and support they need to thrive.

This article is meant to be sarcastic, honest, and FUNNY! Enjoy! 

1. Keep their hair cut short until they can appreciate longer hair and care for it themselves. Cutting gum, paint, glue or anything else out will cause you to cut it short all over to keep it even so you might as well just keep it short to begin with.
2. Your camera roll will become filled with mysterious photos of unidentifiable images until your child realizes how to get their face in the frame... Expect to delete HUNDREDS of photos every time you allow your child to use your device.  
3. The person who coined the phrase "Sleeping like a baby" did not have any kids at the time. After having the first child they funded research for the development of the first sleeping pill.
4. Bodily fluid on your clothing will become normal. No worries, other parents will immediately recognize and identify bodily fluids on your clothing and may even recommend how to remove the stain or offer you a jacket to cover stains on your shirt or spare pair of yoga pants to change into. Just go with it. 
5. If you are having trouble getting your child to do simple chores like take out the trash try saying this "DON'T take out the trash!" instead. Normally, if you say DON'T eat the cookie, they will do it as soon as you turn your back. 
6. Dora the Explorer is SATAN! So not let your child watch this show. Sure, it has a little educational value. BUT, she is the most obnoxious LOUD child in the world. your child should never watch this unless you want a loud and obnoxious child.
7. Remember when letting a child watch TV or a movie, the volume should never be over 10. Trust me on this. 
8. Get used to having a DIRTY house or hire a maid. That first year is tough with sleepless nights, work, appointments... It never gets any better really. You might get more sleep, but now your kid is making bigger and bigger messes every year. 
9. Babies really do bounce... Basically, most parents have dropped their babies or seen them roll off of a bed or couch. Don't feel bad. 90% of us have had it happen. If more than that comment they have NEVER they are in denial. Hey, it is the first step in admitting you have a problem. 
10. ONLY HAVE ONE CHILD! If you have more than one on accident, name them all the same thing. That way, you will not have a jumbled mess of names come out when you find that flour has "exploded" all over the kitchen. Do you know how stupid you will sound yelling "MichAshSarJOE!!! JOE get in here!" You knew who did it and it will be the last name you blurt out... ALL of your kids will now laugh and you will punish all of them for what Joe did. Plus, George Foreman named several of his kids after himself right? Celebrity TRENDY! 
11. Savor these nights out with friends. After you get prego it is all over for the next TWO YEARS! Then slowly, you might be able to find a sitter you barely know to keep your kid so you can have an adult time break. That is, IF you still have any friends... Especially friends pregnant. Damn followers!
12. That mosh pit at your favorite metal bands show? It is now a ball pit at a local play place and the music has been replaced with tiny peoples giggles. 
13. Your Netflix preferences will change to little kid shows, so keep a password on all of your devices. 
14. Those political bumper stickers on your sporty car will no longer be a thing... You car has been replaced by a minivan and the stickers are now of your stick figure family. 
15. That minivan will also need cleaned and sanitized weekly or more. ONLY let your kids eat Mcdonalds if they have to eat in the minivan... The food doesn't rot. So basically, no eating at all, ever, in the minivan. Food free zone.
16. Hearing your child swear for the first time should be a teachable moment... But you will be laughing your ass off. So let this one slide. 
17. Silence is your worst enemy. You know something really bad has happened, and it is going to take a long time to clean it up. 
18. Your new best friend is wine. Hey, I'm not judging! I'm sipping my mommy juice right now. From a wine glass. Mommy and Daddy juice is GOOD for grown ups but will make the boogie man appear in the kids room. So, just tell them that. 
19. You are going to be surprised by some of the songs that get stuck in your head. "Good morning... Red Bird" Anyone? Or You are my sunshine, my only sunshine... Or my personal favorite, Kookaburra sits in the old gum tree. 
20. Parenting is the most amazing job you will ever have! Your child will cause your face to instantly light up when you see them, even if you were only apart for a 5 minute potty break. BTW, those are over too. Now they will be in there with you every time. Make it a learning experience, talk about what healthy poop looks like or decide on what book to read before bed. The options are endless.